Alhamdulillah.

I couldnt ask for more.

Alhamdulillah thank You for believing me able to run a small family, giving me amanah and let me be the mother of such an understanding, funny, lovable baby boy Nouman. Alhamdulillah for giving me the most compassionate husband to take care of him, love him to the fullest, and seek pleasure in watching him grow together..

All praise to Allah SWT. For his plans and barokah, that a person like me can stumble on a workplace like this, with people of  knowledge I could reap from. life is on a fast track now. I hope to be able to cherish these moments. Because thats all that matters.

Why People Categorize Themselves

There are 3 reasons people write.

An escape. to declutter minds. Plus its no secret that writing is a type of release. That it gets to the point that you can discover yourself. For me its similar to the tranquility sensation of absorbing how time flies when you're watching the cloud through a plane window, drifting in a vast ocean while staring at the horizon, or just lying on a secluded beach watching the sun goes down.

As a skeptic person, I would say that we all have a narcissistic side towards us which drives us to channel our point of views into a blank page without having to be disturbed or told otherwise. Imagine you're speaking to a person, and that person may or may not wholly completely agree with you - you'd get cut in the conversation. On one point, that is humbling (if you're able to wash out your desire to talk back). But regardless its irritating.

Im amazed how some can characterize in groups judging by what you did or didn't do. How much time spent to think about it. But I realized.. I don't owe an explanation at all. I could be larger than life, and watch from a distance that some statements or comments are only said aloud as that person is thinking aloud. And its not up to us how they think, or whether we should be wobbling on our stance just because they said so and so.

why do people do that ?
bus rider or car owner ?
sweet tooth or salty tooth ?
amusement park lover or nature lover ?
beach person mountain person ?

why is there a label ? is it so much information thrown at us that its eventually got thrown into categories ? Or is it the insecurities and wanting a sense of belonging. A group. A community. Again coming back to the basic needs of being a social creation. Do us getting heard and the thought that our thoughts are being out there purrs our needs of social existence ?

Back on the narcistic side. We all have a hedonistic nature. I learnt that from my kid. He wants instant pleasures right there and then. Now that I stepped back and think, that sounds pretty much how I am too. We are used to the age of instant gratification - from being able to pull whatever information we want - across the globe is in itself have some drawbacks. Us millennials are.  Its up to us to be able to filter what is beneficial to us and use our tech savvy self to act as a multiplier in order to achieve a better selfless goal, much better and faster.

How do we know were a narcissistic and to what extent? well thats another story.

Enjoying the Final Days of Summer

My days now fulfilled with errands in late mornings till afternoon. Today I get to pick up my son from his carseat and toppled him to bed safe and sound. I love that its becoming easier. He laughs at me making faces. I love spending time after he wakes up, cherishing the later mornings we woke during this summer time before just the two of us spending the day until later in the afternoon. His dad works night shift so I pretty much handle his routines.

Sometimes he plays with his toys car right after bed. Sometimes I let him watch cartoons while I cook an always awesome dish I found on the net. Feeling satisfied whenever I could use up the ingredients I have stocked up in the fridge and cupboards. Then we head out, most times stop by the library to pick up his free lunch (Fuel up 4 Summer Program) man what a great program it is. He is eating and learning a lot while watching other kids.

He gets to nurse anytime, anywhere with me during this break. Nursing at daytime is probably his best bliss yet. lol. After he woke up, he is usually joined by his dad who eats beside him while he plays. Sometimes we go out jalan-jalan sore. Grocery shopping. Getting a pizza. Park. Pool. Farmers Market. Movie. This feels so right. I cant imagine doing this in my old life (7am-7pm)

Our boy is one most lovable, cute, such a happy eater (a fusion of my taste and his dad's!) smart, funny, considerate.. (im brought to tears now..) and the list goes on. My inspiration, prayers and hope are all with him. Still, the fall semester is approaching. Can we get any better than this ? I believe so. He will make this easy for me. InsyaAllah.

The Blues and Bliss of Nursing

This is it. In two times 24 hours my days as a stay home mom is over. Im too anxious to sleep. Stuff runs across my mind unintentionally at these unwanted times, some sepele things. Like when to buy that nursing apron, how to fasten the infant car seat, which lunchbox should I use, will I make it having lunch on the road, to chase for breastfeeding time with Nouman once he is at his Nanny in Malkkontemon, should I brief her first and bring along the bottle warmers and tools prior dropping him off on his first day ?

The routine I can only imagine now in my head-having bathed Nouman at around 6, wake up at 5 for prayers, getting dressed, put on make up, prep myself for early office hours and a long road journey to drop off our son at what I trust as a most trusted far-related family with years of child care taking experience exactly at 7am. Then have me drop off by 730 am just in time for the 745 morning briefings before my hubby drives further along the same route to his campus. For afternoon break, Id fill our lunchboxes with home-made dish by Bu Heri who’s cooking is sold at a small parking lot space at my office, for me to eat on the road and for my Husband to bring back to his workplace and eat. 

That, in addition to my commitment to a pumping schedule to chase breastmilk storage supply so I could deliver to the Nanny enough for the afternoon I leave him for work. I plan to use the frozen bottled ASI I’ve had so far, before switching to give him fresh fridge-cold milk which requires a more advanced ASIP management skills. Not to worry, that would be my next target.

Apart from the gleeful scholarship result which sadly dont make an appearance, yet. *still hopeful* I have to cherish this other milestone of mine.. Having nursed Nouman over this past two months have been a bliss. Yes I had the baby blues. The wince and unbelievable pain during the first couple of week of breastfeeding, my sudden wrist and joints sore from cradling, panda eyes, loose limbs ad what it seems like a never-ending tiresome nights which I used to dread. I shed tears. Feeling incapable and helpless when my son cries, sometimes even the thought of him hating me occured. His back arches, he cries when being fed, I cant soothe him to sleep by holding-unlike his dad. I remembered counting down the clock and prepared myself mentally when the sun is down and the clock reached 6pm. Knowing however bad the night will be, I’d still survived it.

The bliss is feeling finally getting the hang of it. Having resolved his crying issues and knowing what your child wants, and being able to attend to him promptly and correctly. Realizing he’s getting so much smarter and mature each passing week. Even his cries is now only a subtle calling for attention – eh eh – cries. Understanding his habit (still attached to swings and arms cradle), tracking his sleep, eat, poop, play cycle and making the most of each.  But most of all, above anything else, is witnessing him happy, smiling, and laughing. 

Those toothless smiles for one is priceless as it really does wonders, him sucking peacefully in your dekapan warms every inch of your organs, the soft coos and gurggles when he’s trying so hard to speak (eyes intensly looking back, fists on his chest or holding his shirt, and legs unintentionally folded upwards towards his stomach), him craining his neck and eyes wild in wonder looking full of interest in his surroundings when he is alert and about, him peacefully sleeping in your arms with mouth opened, him menggeliat secara menggemaskan when he’s awake, him pulling off from you after a feed, berdecap and eyes closed looking full and satisfied, and his other endless cute acts and expressions wills a great desire to be a better parent. And with God’s will, I will be able to accompany him through his later development and witness his life milestones. Inshaallah. 

Nouman, ditinggal kerja umur 2 bulan 5 hari =) 

Chances and Miracles

Finished my second gre test with the result one last digit less than my previous score. Turns out me in a pregnant state with time to spare to study, achieved slightly more than me, who have had a baby, but constantly thinking of that precious little bundle of joy I left back at home.. his head moving from side to side, tiny tongue trying to stick out, placing his little fist to his mouth and nuzzling against my breasts.. oh i miss breastfeeding him.

It is the second time I left him for 2 nights in Jakarta. On my quest for overseas scholarships. I cant be more thankful that I have the opportunity of being shortlisted for two most prestigious ones.  At the same time, being remorseful that it has to happen when I  had him, at this moment most likely in his grandmother’s assistance having his afternoon bath.

Being here apart from him made me realize how much he feeds actually. Every time I pump I can collect more than a 240ml capacity bottle can. Its been a long time since my breast was this full and hard and leaking. Hope my ample supply of breastmilk in the fridge is enough. Kept praying that he is well there, and so is his grandparents taking care of him while I’m away. Which kept me thinking, am I being inconsiderate ?

I have never been this less excited, and I thought I was a relatively ambitious person. Seeing the excitement filling my fellow scholarship awardee in the group, planning trips, visiting sights, what they would miss, what they plan on bringing.. This lack of eagerness towards something new also affects me now, the old me would've chased that well-known restaurant nearby that she read in the airplane magazine and not spend the entire rest of the day back in the hotel room browsing  babycentre.co and only occasionally read awardees experience on blogs for preparation on my next selection phase.

I called mum and am so glad to hear hows Nouman been doing. He’s great and not so fussy baby. Occasionally I pause to look at his pictures on my mobile phone just to relieve the longing for him, sometimes I tweak the pictures and post it up as my profile pic in various 'medsos'. Typical. Lol. Its been great having him. Its a marvelous feeling being a mom. Hes the most blessed miracle in the world for me..


Anyway, I pray everything works out the best it can. Its important for me to give my best in what I am supposedly spending the time for and let God do the rest. Sometimes I cant wait for all these to be over to see what is in store for my little family in the future, where our next adventure is, how our lives will unravel and how we will cherish and marvel it together, be it watching over the sunset at the Sydney Harbour ? or looking down over the most vibrant times square next new year’s eve in NYC ?

lol. One could dream, couldnt they? Bismillahitawakaltualallah. I lay my faith in You.

A thing or two about Wisdom Tooth Surgery

Approximately 3 hours after my ‘phase one’ surgery on my wisdom tooth. I turned on the flashlight app in my phone and stared at myself in the mirror, mouth wide opened. And there I see the hole in my gum. And the few stitches surrounding it. The hole is still left opened to ease my next operation at this time next week. I grabbed another tampon and shoved it in, hoping the bleeding would stop, or my saliva wont get through.  And all the while I thought – man today was serious business.

It seems that I had an infection prior to my surgery on my nerve areas. It was not detected when the doctor taps my wisdom tooth crown, nor the neighbouring molar crown. The injection of local anasthetic was not in fact as painful as I was told. I dont know what is more or less painful, having inserted the jumbo blood donation needle, or the serum stuck down your gum. Neither did hurt as much as I initially thought. Reflex though, I cant help but had my shoulders tensed, squint my eyes, and probably released frightful expression on my face that the doctor had to reassure me not be as tense. After a moment, he told my husband to fetch me my phone so I can play games once the anasthetic kicks in. He reassured us it wont be difficult and that I should relax. I have to say he’s quite good at this. The humming. The playing game instructing. The talking to companions. The stories and the want-to-know-you part. Just what I need to have my mind focused elsewhere rather than on the pain and the major operation I am under. My doctor calmly waited back in his seat while talking to my husband, frequently checking on my mouth condition while I’m getting the hang of playing Monsters Ate My Condo.

Slow but sure, my face starts to numb. It was getting harder to do mouthwash. After making sure the anasthetic worked and that I did not feel a thing, he said we shall then start and recited basmallah. Most times I was closing my eyes, thinking of happy thoughts, my family back home, my hubby there watching over me, my favorite nephew, me in an interview phase of my scholarship endeavour sitting in a room full of panelists. All I can remember seeing once in a while is the metal hook that pulls apart my cheek, the assistant consistenly using the suction to suck up my mouth water excesses, the doctor and his cutting knife, an screwdriver liked shaped metal and the noisy drill. Little did I knew what the drill sounds like on  your teeth. But the sensation it caused me by hearing it. Even it being stuck on my house wall wouldnt sound as screeching. Some times the sound toned down to a more low key but still sounded as harsh. Making me ‘think’ this is a whole other level of my organ that the drill is now on to.

That thought leads back to how the memory of that ache being tapped by my dentists and the sudden stung it caused. The first time I felt a tooth ache it was oh so painful. So painful that you intend to damage it yourself. Since being examined by doctors caused them to tap on hyper sensitive areas, the memory of such feeling stung on me. And the whole supressing drilling and constant applying of pressure in my tooth feeds me unnecessary anxieties. Very stupid over hyperventilating thinkery indeed.

The gum was cut, the tooth was drilled in parts, the tooth is already wobbly but each time my doctor tried to tip it off of me, I feel an intense stinging ache from the root of the tooth until what it feels like all the way along my right cheekbone. I cant help but to ouch, reflex raise my palm to my cheek, and shed down embarassing tears. Again and again my gum is being injected by additional anasthetic, and though I was not afraid of it anymore now with the numbness state I’m already in, right at the moment he tried to tip the tooth out, the miraculous pain is still indefinitely unbearable.

I am thankful my doctor believes in conducting on what he called as painless procedure, and is very quick in being decisive. He paused after a few failed attempt to congkel the tooth and wasnt keen on forcing it out although I offered him to do it once and for all using full strength in one swift move. Thus decided to pend my operation since I had fully used the maximum anasthetic dose with a total of six injections when normal people had two, and yet I still felt pain. The sting lasted for about a few minutes but I easily sat up after an hour of (exaggerated) torture. Off my seat walking towards my husband unrealizing I spilled blood covered saliva on my way since my mouth is partially self opened.

We sat down together and had the doctor briefed us through. The what, the how the why. All complete. Very friendly guy who loves to travel around the world apart from doing his job. I was sorry that he had to do me the second time again next week. Since I was an anomaly and my wisdom tooth was very stubborn. But- all in all. It was a very interesting experience. First time my permanent tooth (should have) gotten pulled out, and it had to be with surgery. Something ain’t it ? 

Treating. And Where to Eat in Banjarmasin

Sometimes theres always that one person who wont allow us to  pay him/her back when we ordered lunch with. Thats exactly why i insisted to pay up the office boy who delivered our breakfast first. But again told us that the meal was on her, probably since another co-worker has already bought in these tasty warm banana bread-okay that sounds wrong- ‘roti pisang’ a traditional food, or wadai (literally translated to cake, but not the modern one you’re thinking of) for morning munchies earlier.

 And so the drama goes off.

Theres this custom where one deliberately rejects to be paid back. Mostly this happens when a certain sum of money is considered to be insignificant for the lender. Hence they will try in any way possible to have you stop waving the supposedly worthy paper note to them, whether it is forcefully putting the note back into your palm, putting it on your desk, putting it in your front pocket, all the while shaking their heads and saying ‘jangan’ or don’t.

It will also happen if and when, one makes an accumulative payment of the things individually bought together but at the same time. Where one steps up and decide to pay it all in advance. Not that the lender dont want it paid back, but still, if its odds money or ‘ganjilan’ they have a hard time accepting it too. The reason might be the hassle of finding the change is too insignificant, or you simply want the trnsaction to have an end to it. Hm.

So I was left unable to pay back 18K worth of nasi kebuli. Then I found myself contemplating. I had the equivalent to that in ringgit when i received an angpao from a married friend for chinese new year. It has a red flashy design to the envelope and in it was three two ringgit notes. Looking back, now i know the nominal here is considered not as significant.

Or can that be the effect of a consumptive local thingy ? I spent 50 bucks in Malaysia to buy groceries for a week. Here i can’t spend less than 50 bucks each day to feed myself and jajan ? Overseas, the tradition of treating a friend is rather rather. Unless you go out to eat on somebody’s birthday. If though your friend paid up when both of you sat down had lunch and walk to the cashier together, that only means you pay back later to them. Here the case isnt so. Spending 50K a day doesnt arrive to any guilt. That is a triumph. 50K can get you 10K for breakfast, 30K for lunch, oh wait- thats not even enough. .

Due to the custom mentioned above, and the usual spending of us people, thankfully – and thank you God – we have an all week dine out when my co-workers took turns treating one another. By this rate, Im feeling great for the economy. J

Heres is a list of where our team usually heads off to when we’re having lunch together (limited to Banjarmasin area) :

 1 ) Depot Rudy Banjarmasin, A. Yani Pal 3 – High Value, Banjarese Smoked Food, Classic Venue, The usual visit for Businessmen. Try out Urap, Udang Galah, Haruan Penyet

 2 ) Pondok Permata, Gatot Pal 4 – Medium to High Value, Banjarese ‘Smoked’ Food, Stall Style Venue, Mostly Chinese. Try out Patin Bakar, and order iced syrup as a drink.

 3 ) Neng Yasmin, Sungai Jingah – Medium to High Value, Banjarese Food, Classic Venue, The usual visit for Civil Workers as it seems. Best deep fried fish, try out Nila Goreng, Lais Goreng, Sayur Asem and ‘Mandai’.

 4 ) Soto Bang Amat, Banua Anyar – Medium Value, Banjarese chicken soup (the best in town), Varied Visitors from young and old, couple and families. Dont forget the chicken satay to top off.

 5 ) Warung Yuni, Sultan Adam – Medium Value, Banjarese Oxtail Soup. Be early! The dish is limited. Most likely to be sold out by 1pm.

 6 ) Meratus Pedas, Meratus – Medium Value, Best deep fried fish. Try Patin, Peda, or Nila goreng they have here served with Timun Serut or Cucumber veggies mixed with fresh coconut milk. Ice tea jumbo size is also available.

..more to add later !